So it's the eve before my chest cat scan and I'm getting very emotional. I'm not sure why I was tearing up but it got me thinking how much of an emotional roller coaster this journey is. From the outside I clearly do not look sick, but on the inside my body is fighting this cancer and my mind is racing with everything and all the possible out comes my life might have no matter how long or short it may be. How short it may be... that sentence has as much impact on me as "you have cancer."
Tomorrow I get the day off for my test, but first I get to take my children on their first field trip to the pumpkin patch. I'm so glad to relish these moments with my family and I am so greatful to have an employer give me the time I need after having such an aweful expirence with the hospital, which has left me somewhat dare I say jaded. Hell the whole cancer "thing" has left me jaded. So tonight I sit here and vent and prepare myself mentally, emotionally, physically ready for tomorrow. Even though there are clear highlights to my upcoming day I can't help but overshadow the precious family time with another cancer milestone. Waiting to see if there is anything, anything at all in my chest. This is where I leave it up to faith and God. I pray there is nothing in my chest, I pray that what they found in my neck is not new, I pray for time...... I want to see my children grow up, I want to see my grandchildren.
I have tried so hard this whole time to stay upbeat, but I still feel alone. Which made me think about starting a young adult cancer support group. Trying to help others make it through what I am currently going through and sharing my story. I want to share my story with anyone who will listen. I don't wear my diagnosis on my sleeve, although the obvious scar on my neck is a dead giveaway of some sort of history.
With that being said I once again that you say a prayer for me in hopes my test comes out good and I will update you here shortly!