Good news finally!

Got awesome news yesterday from my endo. He emailed me through my health track (It's something UPMC has that you can not only communicate with your doctors, but also see all of your lab and tests results, request medication refills, do all of your appointments. It pretty neat actually) he told me that my TSH is where they want it and my thyroglobulin is pretty low it's 2.0 actually so he said there shouldn't be any surprises when I go to do my thyroid studies in April. Which is awesome news, hopefully no spread to my lungs, or bones, or anywhere else! Expect the worst but hope for the best, that's what I told him. I finally feel like I can breathe, and to have this news given to me on Easter weekend just has so much more significance.


An update on my FMLA, this is how much of assholes the hospital I work for is being to me.
I went down to my HR the day before my doctors appointment to pick up FMLA papers so my doctor could fill my paper work out. Now I knew on Wednesday I was still 10 hours short of having all of my hours in, but it being Sunday night I have worked all those hours and then some. And also mind you I still have my FMLA papers in my possession, I have not turned them in. Well before leaving for work yesterday I checked my mail and in there was something from my place of work. I open it and what is it, nothing else but a denial letter denying me my FMLA that I never even filed dated for the day I went down to pick up the paperwork! How can you deny someone something they haven't even filed for? And it was for nothing more than not having enough hours in. Really? Ok I'll come to work radioactive. Just sit me in the decon room all day. But that's right you don't even know what I need an FMLA for let alone when I need it for since you never laid eyes on my paperwork HR! I would be very ashamed to work in that department, and at times am ashamed to work for that facility. It's a very sad loss for humanity, but I'm going to keep on fighting the good fight because that's what I've got to do! Because I know this world is not a total loss. Caner has given me a new lease on life and I do see beautiful things in this world where I once did not see them, and I also see ugly things in this world too, you just have to realize that even though you can't fix all of the ugly you can fix some of it. So I'm starting with my HR department. Wish me luck, because no one who is sick should have to worry about this.

I am emotionally exhausted. I spent another day up at UPMC, although this time we had a much easier time finding the correct building, we even got valet parking. I might even attempt this trek going by myself one of these days!
This was my first encounter with my endocrinologist Dr Hodak. I like him, actually I don't think I haven't met anyone from UPMC that I don't like yet. I can't say enough wonderful things about them, even if they are expensive as hell. I guess it's true though its what your money can buy, but it's not my money it's my insurance thank God. I'm finding out this cancer thing is getting to be very expensive.
Back to Dr Hodak, he was very straight forward and told me that despite the very large size of my tumor that my cancer is currently only a stage I. Now that being said he also stated that my cancer even though its not a variant form of papillary cancer it does seem to be very aggressive and it was breaking out of the lymph nodes into the surrounding tissues and that he would not be surprised if it was found it my bones or lungs. I really don't want to be one of those rare cases of distant spread, but that is my luck. He also said that I had a higher chance of my cancer coming back, about a 15-20% ya know what fuck you cancer. I'm so angry at you. I did not cry when he told me all of this, I only started crying when he asked me if I had any children and how old they are. The thought of my children being robbed of their mom just hurts into the depths of my being. Every time I receive bad news and I just want to lay down and give up then I quickly remember what I am fighting for.
The game plan is for me to receive my RIA treatment on April 24th. I have to travel to Pittsburgh and back (an hour each way) for my thyrogen injections which I will receive on the 22nd, and the 23rd. Go up again on the 24th (with the price of gas im going to be so broke :( )for my tracer dose and my whole body scan, wait for the results up there then get my therapeutic dose. Then I go into isolation for one week. I was told to stock up on lemons, water, Gatorade, and anything I was craving that I cannot have while I'm on the low iodine diet, which I'm finding out is a lot. I can have lean meat ( no seafood), veggies( no beans, or potato skins, and fruits, and that's about it. All dairy is out. Oh I can have some grains as long as they don't contain anything iodized. Bleh then I go back up on they day I get out of isolation on April the 30th to have another whole body scan. My theme song will defiantly be radioactive that week.
The only silver lining I can find is that I will most defiantly have enough hours in for this friggin FMLA. Until then I get to work my Easter away at the hospital, which I still have not got my kids anything yet. I just got my first paycheck yesterday and I've seriously worked every damn day. My only day off was yesterday which the whole day was spent in Pittsburgh, so guess what I will be doing at midnight tonight.
I'd like to share with you this awesome booklet they gave me when I went up there yesterday. It still doesn't make me feel any less alone but my nurse was so awesome, I think she will be my best support system yet and seeing as I don't really have anyone I need that. I mean jimmy is here, but he doesn't understand he only gets it from the point of a family member and not a patient standpoint. I have good days and bad days, and I'm allowed to have bad days, this just makes my head spin sometimes and he just doesn't get that. He also doesn't get how some days I feel so tired or I don't want to do anything, and I hate that I have to constantly defend myself so Susan my nurse was a godsend at this time!

Nothing to be ashamed about

I have toyed with the idea about posting this for several days, but have decided to, thinking I can't be the only one this has happened to.
Seven months ago I put in my application in at some doctors offices trying to get out of the hospital. The hours are always conflicting with the ever changing/ never available daycare(for some reason they think people don't work weekends holidays, days before and after holidays, but that's a whole another story) and I never have any family to watch them. So I was looking more towards the doctors office hours. Well needless to say, it's been over seven months I never expected to hear anything. One week after my surgery I get a phone call for a job interview, what the heck? I'm feeling great and this is right up my alley.
I go in and I tell them up front I have thyroid cancer and I am nine days post op and I will need an RIA treatment, but i don't have an exact date set in stone for it yet. Well the office manager said her niece had thyroid cancer an had RIA treatment, great so she is familiar with this type of treatment and any side effects. By the way I did great on this interview, I have a degree in this, I am certified in CPR, I deal with doctors every day. No problem. They call me back a week later for a second interview, this time with the doctors and the director. It's down to me and one other woman who is seriously in her sixties(Not discriminating the whole office staff, including the doctors are young I mean twenties and thirties) I got this. I see these doctors at the hospital from time to time, and again I am up front about the cancer. I realize I do not need to disclose my medical information, but I'm taking a leap of faith by telling them, rather than they hire me and I am all of a sudden asking for a week off for RIA treatment and days off for doctors visits. I told them insurance is not an issue, I already have insurance an I know your insurance would deny me for my pre-existing condition.
Now I can hear the other woman's interview and she is giving her past work history and she said she stocked for an auto parts store. No medical background. More points for me! Nothing like being overly confident. I'm just excited to potentially get weekends and holidays off!
A few days later I get a letter in the mail from the doctors office saying while they were impressed with my qualifications and work experience they had decided to go with someone else, but would keep my resume on file in hopes of finding a position for me. Carefully tip toeing around the good luck in the cancer situation! Because that probably would be setting them up for a lawsuit.
Now I would be totally fine if I didn't get the job because it went to a more qualified person, but I am not fine thinking I didn't get the job because I have cancer. I feel discriminated against and like they are stamping me dead. It also makes me feel shamed to have this. I didn't choose to get cancer and I wanted to at least give the interview a shot and I sure as hell didn't look sick. I'm not ashamed of my scar and please don't make me feel ashamed of being diagnosed with cancer, especially by a doctor. As for now I will still be at the hospital fighting to get my FMLA.

Ok I have to vent somewhere, and since I can't do it on my Facebook, my blog seemed like the next best place to go. My cancer and my daycare are just not meshing well. I have been off of work from February 18th to March 15th, which means my children have not been to daycare. My oldest daughter has even missed some school when I went in for my surgery. I pick up my children today and find a statement in their cubby, that's fine, I'll pay it. I have yet to get a paycheck, not until the 28th. Now my problem is the fact I got charged a late fee for not paying my February bill on time. Are you kidding me!? My daycare provider knows I have cancer, and if she says otherwise she's a flat out liar. She Facebook friended me seriously the day after I signed my kids up I'm sure to make sure no one talks bad about her establishment. Secondly she had the nerve to message me over Facebook while I was off to ask me if I would like to buy stuff from her thirty-one party, but she has never once asked me how I'm doing. Why yes I've been off of work because I have cancer and have no money, but I would love to purchase something from your thirty-one party just so you can get your free hostess gift! Maybe greed really does make the world go round. But then again I tolerate this because I still have not switched daycares so.... Rant over!

This little bamboo plant makes me think of my thyroid before my surgery. The left side is being taken over by disease slowly climbing its way up, engulfing it, while the right side still thrives. Now the dilemma is do we sacrifice the whole plant, or just the diseased left side? Oh little bamboo plant such a metaphor you hold.
I finally got my pathology reports last night and my cancer was not encapsulated like papillary cancers normally are. They found it in my isthmus and in the outer region of my right lobe so it was best to remove the whole thyroid.
Now you little bamboo plant, you I will at least give the benefit of a doubt and only remove the left side and hopefully we can save at least part of you. Thrive on little plant, thrive on!

I finished my first four days back to work. Another thing I have survived, and needless to say my coworkers are outraged over the lack of empathy from the HR department over the denial of FMLA for not having enough hours in this year. Sorry cancer, come back later, or actually never. The thought of delaying treatment to put in enough working hours is absolutely asinine.
I also ran into the doctor who suggested I get an ultrasound for a goiter way back when in the first place. She asked if I had my surgery yet, not noticing my scar, I told her yes I had it almost 3 weeks ago. She asked how it went and what they found. I told her about how big the original tumor was and how they found cancer in 7 out of the 12 lymph nodes they took out, and the cringing look on her face might as well have been a spear through my chest. Being in the medical field we both know what that means. I just wanted to break down and cry right there. Then it led to the conversation of my treatment, and she said well hang in there. I know those words mean no offense, but I'm getting to an angry bitter stage of my diagnosis. Yea it's easy to say "hang in there" but when death is literally staring you in the face its not that easy. I have been lashing out at everyone today. It just not a good day in general, and I still haven't even got to the radiation part yet :/ I'm just scared, I'm scared that my prognosis is not as good as what I was previously told, I'm scared that because it was found in so many lymph nodes that its lurking somewhere else in my body. Fear of the unknown. I guess it's best that I've been busy as to not give myself time to think about all of this. Which reminds me I have 22 cupcakes to frost for Audrey to take to school tomorrow. At least I can sleep in...

I'm back to work! Yay? Lol I've worked 3 days with one more day before I get a day off, oh and I had a birthday party right after work for my soon to be four year old. Now I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm just so tired. I knew jumping into four days in a row plus planning a birthday party was going to kill me but in the words of Joe Dirt "you just have to keep on keepin' on' and that's exactly what I'm doing. That and I'm busting my hump to work these 74 hours I need for FMLA before I go to see my endo on the 28th of this month to start talking about my radiation treatments, which will be in liquid form, not the traditional pill like every other thyroid cancer patient has taken. I still do not know why.
I have spent my last two working days in the ER and today I found out that one of my fellow employees lost her battle with cancer this morning :( rip Ethel. Hearing about her passing also makes me reflect on how lucky I am with my diagnosis. Yesterday we had a woman come in who had laryngeal cancer and had just come out of the same hospital as the one where I had my surgery. Needless to say she was suffering some complications and her road looked very long and hard and my heart just broke for her. I truly wish her the best. It's a weird thing when you have cancer, it's like you become part of this club and when you run into someone else who is in the same club as you the subject no longer becomes taboo to talk about. We all want the same thing, to win the battle, to beat it, to live. They understand our struggle, and our very real fear that we have from the very day the doctor tells you, "it looks like you have cancer."
Back to this birthday party I survived.My little Audrey is turning four! Where does the time go? But I am here to see it and I am so lucky for that. Thank you! And I plan to be around for many more, for both of my girls. Today we are coming down from our sugar highs from the cake but it's still a good picture. They remind me why despite all I am still blessed.